muhasabah

I've been in a mess-kind-of situation lately. Tests got me migraine. No, it wasn't the tests but the lecturers themselves. Had to cover everything back from the beginning, from the first class of lecture. I always thought degree is as fun as those uploading photos of them laughing in the class, of them studying in a hall (lecture hall I meant).. bcs when I was in Poly, the situation wasn't the same as how it looks like in the university. But, I thought it wrong. It's been messing up my life, I've been upgrading my emotional feeling (I'm being too emo that I used to be bfr) since I started my degree last year. & honestly, I do not like the way how my life is living now. Oh yes, my scholarship is not included. I am grateful enough to receive a scholar for degree, but not as much fun I used to have in diploma. Again, I had my heart broken lots of time bfr, but tbh, this time, I'm growing up, I'm getting old, & broken heart hit me even harder. As I look at my friends (the same age as I am), thinking of how they receive their happiness & in the mean time, I talk to myself "you're not there yet, you're not the lucky ones"

I know good things take time, & of course to reach the best, there must be obstacles you must pass through it. But anyway, for those who are suffering from the same feeling as I do, nothing you could ever do but to keep praying. I always remind myself that, the Almighty listens to whatever you say in your prayer. You pray for someone, He look up on that person. He listens to you everytime even when you're whispering or saying it in your heart. I always remind myself that, if it's not now, maybe later. When something is meant to be yours, trust Him, He will make it yours.

As for those who thinks that degree is difficult, I'm telling the truth, YES IT IS! But no, try to get over it. As I said, keep reminding yourself that nothing is impossible, Subjects yes are getting harder as you get older. Especially for getting a not so understanding lecturer, you have to study by yourself. That is how it goes. You get older, you'll be more independent. That's the thing.

a little too much

in the mean time, there's just too much to be forgotten, but it's even more painful to be remembered. they said learn to let go of all the things you keep inside that's the only way but they never taught how. still asking for the same thing to Him & still patiently waiting to be answered.

it does hurt sometimes, no, most of the time! especially when you stumbled upon something made you remember of all those memories. there's just too too tooooo much to be forgotten, those sharing stuffs sharing foods sharing heart sharing every single thing! & wake up each day every morning still can't believe what's happening.. 

the thoughts

i woke up in the middle of the night last night that i felt the pain in my chest, as in someone was stabbing me right on the chest. i couldn't breath properly, my chest was in pain it hurts badly that i couldn't get back to sleep, i didn't want to go back to the dream i had. i missed him.

while istighfar, putting hands on my chest but the pain was still there. my thoughts were all over the room, were all over my body that it got into the chest. i woke up straight for subuh, i prayed & still prayed for the same thing over & over again. & i asked Him for you over & over again. how much it hurts that things are changing slowly.

i wasn't ready & i am still not ready. the fact that this pain is still under construction, i couldn't say a word to anyone, i couldn't blame for what had happened. but i am blamming my self for not staying strong when things get tough.

my chest is still in pain thinking that i would get over it while going to class this morning, but it got even tougher. i was walking alone & things were starting to play on mind. i cried over the same thing every single day. i rejected people's whatsapp, text, dm, just cause i've lost the mood in looking through my phone. how could one be so fine after becoming the reason for someone's pain?