muhasabah

I've been in a mess-kind-of situation lately. Tests got me migraine. No, it wasn't the tests but the lecturers themselves. Had to cover everything back from the beginning, from the first class of lecture. I always thought degree is as fun as those uploading photos of them laughing in the class, of them studying in a hall (lecture hall I meant).. bcs when I was in Poly, the situation wasn't the same as how it looks like in the university. But, I thought it wrong. It's been messing up my life, I've been upgrading my emotional feeling (I'm being too emo that I used to be bfr) since I started my degree last year. & honestly, I do not like the way how my life is living now. Oh yes, my scholarship is not included. I am grateful enough to receive a scholar for degree, but not as much fun I used to have in diploma. Again, I had my heart broken lots of time bfr, but tbh, this time, I'm growing up, I'm getting old, & broken heart hit me even harder. As I look at my friends (the same age as I am), thinking of how they receive their happiness & in the mean time, I talk to myself "you're not there yet, you're not the lucky ones"

I know good things take time, & of course to reach the best, there must be obstacles you must pass through it. But anyway, for those who are suffering from the same feeling as I do, nothing you could ever do but to keep praying. I always remind myself that, the Almighty listens to whatever you say in your prayer. You pray for someone, He look up on that person. He listens to you everytime even when you're whispering or saying it in your heart. I always remind myself that, if it's not now, maybe later. When something is meant to be yours, trust Him, He will make it yours.

As for those who thinks that degree is difficult, I'm telling the truth, YES IT IS! But no, try to get over it. As I said, keep reminding yourself that nothing is impossible, Subjects yes are getting harder as you get older. Especially for getting a not so understanding lecturer, you have to study by yourself. That is how it goes. You get older, you'll be more independent. That's the thing.

a little too much

in the mean time, there's just too much to be forgotten, but it's even more painful to be remembered. they said learn to let go of all the things you keep inside that's the only way but they never taught how. still asking for the same thing to Him & still patiently waiting to be answered.

it does hurt sometimes, no, most of the time! especially when you stumbled upon something made you remember of all those memories. there's just too too tooooo much to be forgotten, those sharing stuffs sharing foods sharing heart sharing every single thing! & wake up each day every morning still can't believe what's happening.. 

the thoughts

i woke up in the middle of the night last night that i felt the pain in my chest, as in someone was stabbing me right on the chest. i couldn't breath properly, my chest was in pain it hurts badly that i couldn't get back to sleep, i didn't want to go back to the dream i had. i missed him.

while istighfar, putting hands on my chest but the pain was still there. my thoughts were all over the room, were all over my body that it got into the chest. i woke up straight for subuh, i prayed & still prayed for the same thing over & over again. & i asked Him for you over & over again. how much it hurts that things are changing slowly.

i wasn't ready & i am still not ready. the fact that this pain is still under construction, i couldn't say a word to anyone, i couldn't blame for what had happened. but i am blamming my self for not staying strong when things get tough.

my chest is still in pain thinking that i would get over it while going to class this morning, but it got even tougher. i was walking alone & things were starting to play on mind. i cried over the same thing every single day. i rejected people's whatsapp, text, dm, just cause i've lost the mood in looking through my phone. how could one be so fine after becoming the reason for someone's pain?

"words aren't enough"

first day after 4 years

i know i left with no good words, i know i left with anger in the heart. i never wanted to be that way when i was supposed to make it better. i told i never give up, i told that i still wanna fight after all those tears left me hanging, i told that i'm gonna chase you back til the end if ever i'm losing us one day. but that first day has come.. i never wanted to make any decision without thinking of what's gonna happen in the future. i screwed things up i guess, i wasn't enough in your eyes. & i tried to be the person you craved for but, i wasn't enough in your eyes after all.. you were all that i wanted, i put away all your flaws & i see all the good in you. but you weren't doing the same as what i did, you see my flaws & you find it hard to accept.. 

it begins with flaws & weaknesses. i accept yours but you don't do the same. i'm letting us go, & i have no idea if this is good.. but someday, if you change & you're looking for me, i will always be here. not saying that i'm gonna wait but i'm saying you have the good in you & i know you deserve another chance. 

questions by questions

where are you? where have you been? where were you when i needed you the most? what were you doing when i was in my difficult time? where's the question of "how you're doing today? are you ok?"? you're not here you're not everywhere & if you're really here i don't feel the presence. who should i count to? where's the promises to stay through thick & thin? where's the words saying that you'll be the star to always shine my day? what happen to your "i'll be your guidance"? you left me here you left me everywhere & you left me speechless i couldn't ask for anything else i felt like i wasn't fit in that. why are you making me feel this way when you're supposed to be the person to make me feel secure? you've turned your self around from being a protector, from being my clown. 

i'm all by myself hiding everything in, letting it all out during my sujood & pretending i'm ok just so people think i'm really fine. 

just to fit in the situation, you'll never know what's happening, you'll pretend you're doing everything right & then behind, you're hurting a girl you thought you would never hurt.. 

trust issues i'm fine

trust issues? nah it will never be a problem to me 👌🏻 not just yet. why? bcs i am the type of person you people will never understand. i know some things are just not right in my eyes, some things has changed into something i was afraid to happen but no matter how far it gets, my patience has no limit which i'd rather be in silent mode than to perbesar kan things (walaupun it seems like a big problem) i've been in a situation where people lie to me & i stay silent so let the almighty do His job to finally make me realize its better to leave than to stay with liars. to be honest, it is the most pathetic feeling you will ever feel (gila ko tak meroyan bila kena tipu) but, istighfar. believe in what your heart says, lama lama penat Allah tunjuk juga jalan keluar buka kan juga mata tu but remember to always stay patient bcs good things come as long as you wait

Better things are worth to wait

Ever heard of "as long as you wait, your life will be promised to get better days at the end"? alhamdulillah, after a year been trying so hard to distance myself from falling in love so hard, from being too attached so hard to people, better days come along with the effort i've put. i am not saying that i'm having a great life now but as you can see, i am grateful for things happened to me for these past few months. for all the bad things that make me become stronger than i've ever been, for all the good things that make me realize i have so many reasons to be happy and i deserve it. i pray that whatever comes wrong, keep that away from me. i pray that if i'm going to lose my precious thing once again, make me stronger bcs i've been through a lot in my 20 years. and i pray, if he's the one, make us stay. because, because it's hard and i'm tired.

Type of guys she met

And since i've been through a lot, in a lot of ways and i've learned a lot too, i realized some type of guys in the world.   

There are type of guys where he loves to look at you in class or in anywhere when he sees you but yet, he's afraid to approach you. Second, type of guys where he's willing to sacrifice his own self just for you. Next, type of guys where he don't talk much and all he wants is to listen to you. Fourth, type of guys where he loves to make cards for you on your anniversary, he creates a signature of your name combine with his name, he teaches you to be smart in exam, he gets jealous a lot but you can't get jealous of him of what he's doing, he controls you but you can't do anything to him, he gives you the most beautiful plan for the future and then go have another girl in between that plan. Fifth, type of guys where you meet him in facebook or any social network and you guys get close to each other fall in love for more than a year, he's willing to come all the way from a far place just to see you, he never ever try to berkasar with you either with a voice or anything even when you've done wrong to him that cannot be forgiven, he gives you the hope you think you can be with him back but it's all bullshit at the end. Next, type of guys where he leaves a girl just for you, he's really an overly attached boyfriend that no one can get closer to you, he checks every single detail in your phone including old pictures and calls, any received call or dialed with an unknown number, he's gonna call that number asking who it is, you can't do any simple wrong thing bcs he's gonna start mad and baran all over you. Behind that, type of guys where you easily fall for bcs of his beautiful words, gives you the most beautiful hopes, rarely check your phone it's either bcs he trust you or he actually don't care abt you, very manja, but he can't get over a girl he loves before you, and leaves at the end of the day. Lastly, type of guys where he says he loves you and the same time he loves other girls and takes care of them, he gives you very a very high hopes to be with him and when you're ready for that he leaves as if you mean nothing to him, he do every single inspections towards your phone even when you have absolutely no relation with him, he will start with his acah acah baran and merajuk when he don't like the things you do, he compares you with another girl, at the end he leaves you for another girl when you already tried harder to accept all his weaknesses. 

These type of guys seem to haunting my life forever that i'm afraid of what type of husband i'll get in the future. 

waiting and keep waiting

waiting? and i'm asking myself, do i like waiting? i mean, can i wait? do i have enough patience of waiting for someone or something that i don't really sure if it's gonna be mine or not? honestly, i know nothing. i mean, i know nothing about what i want. about if i'm able to wait. obviously nobody like's waiting. it's like, when you wait, the other person seems to not care at all about your feelings and they don't seems to appreciate you. do you get what i mean now? tell me, who the hell in this world likes waiting? especially to the things we know we won't ever get. in the end, we're all gonna get hurt.
but.. that's what most people are doing right now. like me, example. waiting for something that i know i won't get, it hurts. but i don't wanna stop knowing that myself is a type of person who gives up that easy. at least i tried. i tried to wait and pretend like nothing hurts me. well that sucks. i know my friends will tell me to stop waiting but what can i do? it's the only thing for me to actually realize that i don't give up so easy.
you know, putting effort is important. if the other person is smart enough, they'll see what you did back there. if they don't, then obviously they're totally a douchebag and forever will be.

a dream that changes everything

waking up feeling so empty, have you ever thought of that? how would you feel when everything you have just gone? so here i am, wanting to share some stories.
i have a friend, which is, she's my bestfriend since i was in standard 6. well yes, you can see how close we are. but, we rarely see or even contact with each other. what makes us still calling each other a bestfriend is that, whenever we meet, we still treat each other like we were in primary school before and it amazed me that we didn't feel any awkward-ness though it has been a year we didn't see each other.
so last two weeks, i went to see her. because i was feeling so sad and depressed and besides, she asked me what happened to me. reading all my tweets made her ask me that. so i just thought that maybe if i could share it with her, i wouldn't be as sad as i was before. and so we slept late that night, too many things to be talked and to be shared.
somehow, it was kinda surprise with the things she told me. honestly, i've known her since primary and i know who she is, what she is like and i still can't believe that she has changed a lot. from not wearing hijab to wearing hijab. and now, her hijab gets longer till it covers up the upper part. still remember the first time we went out before, we were talking about boys, about dating about love about wearing mini short skirts or a dress. but now, i realize that people change. she told me story about her. how she started to wear hijab and purdah. how did she change to be so muslimah than she was before.
so here it is, she got a dream. a dream that changed her. she dreamt about the world. she said she saw what happened to the world right before kiamat happens. and it scares me a lot. even now. so obviously, when you wake up having that kind of dream, all you think about is, to change to be better. get yourself into Islam more, learn about Islam. so this is what she's doing. she did solat taubat nasuha this one day. and a few days after, she got a bad news telling that she's sick. now my bestfriend i've known since primary, is having cancer. besar nya kuasa Allah. so i was surprised. but she's so lucky, that she realizes all that right before anything happen. she's really a strong girl. i've heard it from her, how she suffered and all. but i know she's a strong girl so she manage to go through everything, insyaAllah.
now i can see that, someone out there is having a hard time more than i do. i gotta be strong, i gotta stay strong with things happened around me now and have faith. let Allah do His job. ada jodoh, ada lah. takda jodoh, takda lah. and what goes around, comes around. always.

something's missing

just when i thought im about to feel the happiness i once lost, then here i am again, in depression like i was before. maybe even worse. im so weak. but one thing, i am so good at pretending now. even better than before. how can the same thing happen to me? the same shit keeps happening and i dont know what i did wrong to deserve all of those shits. i did not disturb anyone or making other people's life suffer. im the one who is suffering right now. cant you see? i dont know what i want, i dont know what i feel. its like im gone, im gone to another world.
i was going to give my whole heart for him and this is what i get in the end? i took a very long time to move on to forget the past because he came but now that he left, im tired already. all of my efforts, i realized that it was all useless. i should have just stay with my words that there'll be no more love who's gonna come into me but i failed. he came, he made me feel so special that i would love to give myself another chance to feel the love again, but this is what happened. ya Allah it hurts a lot. and i can still feel the pain every time when i look at old pictures, old conversations. its like your heart is being cut up to pieces and thrown in the trash. it hurts a lot, emotionally and physically.
and how i wish things could turn to how it was before. because i swear, i wanna make things better. but.. i know there's nothing else i can do. its just, i just need to be strong. knowing that things wont ever be the same, like you know, the one you used to talk to everyday, you meet everyday, now its all gone. that he left you alone. i gotta be strong. no matter what happens. though i dont know when will i ever going to fully forget him and accept things that happened, but i know, someday i will. there's no point of hoping or wishing when you are not even needed in his life. when he doesn't even want you to be in his life. pointless. but yet, i still care, i still love and i know i always will.
they told me once, "you'll get a better guy soon" aha, then here i am again, same shit different time. so dont tell me better guy will come soon because honestly, i dont wanna trust that shit ever again.
i've wasted my night crying for the same thing, over and over again. i dont know what should i do im just, not strong enough.

everything has changed

those words i really hate to say or to even talk about it 'everything has changed'. exactly, everything has changed in a blink of an eye. and the worst part is, you yourself don't know what's the reason. out of sudden, someone treat you cold and not being the way he used to before. you tried to find the reason but all you get is pain. you just feel like you're useless in everything, worthless and that's why they treat you different in a way you get hurt. 

you don't know what to do you don't know what to feel because your chest has a hole. the old hole in your chest  has becme bigger. and you wonder where it all went wrong. the hole in your chest makes you wake up in the middle of the night and cry. and you sleep late every night because of the non stop 'negative thoughts'. you can't sleep well at night because you're afraid of losing someone in your life. like you did in the past. 

no matter how hard you try to sleep, you just can't because it hurts you a lot. so you cover your whole body with blanket and cry under it. and pretend you have a flu so that no one sees and knows you're crying. you keep everything in yourself that night while listening to songs that remind you of that one person. and wake up in the morning with your puffy eyes but hoping no one's gonna ask why. because you're not ready to tell what happen. but deep inside, you really feel like sharing every single thing you feel inside to them. well at least, you let everything out and not keeping it to yourself only. 

you hate how 'EX' comes into your relationship and ruin it. because knowing that your partner isn't fully move on, it hurts you like your chest has been cut into pieces. what to do? you try your best. you try harder but you get nothing. can fcking 'EX' stays 'EX'?! is that what you're hoping for? A BIG YES! 

and so this puffy eyes, will remain puffy eyes. forever. because you haven't found the real happiness you thought you found it already.  

deep inside me

you know what hurts the most? being replaced by someone you thought would never replace you with anyone else. those days where i was in that situation, nothing hurts me more than this. and nothing could ever explain exactly what i feel, just nothing. even i don't get myself sometimes. i don't know what actually makes me happy. the fact that i have my friends back even they're not the same anymore, i have my love back that i thought i would never have it, but still, deep inside, i am still looking for something. happiness isn't fully there with me. when will i ever get it back? the truth is, the past still hurts me. and i have no idea when will it stop to haunt my life. my life is full of regrets. i wonder if time machine does exist, i would probably change every single thing i've done before and enjoying my moment being with someone who put me into their first priority. and i feel like i'm useless right now, worthless. pathetic. everything i do now, seems to be wrong. no matter how hard i try to make someone happy, i am still me can't even get what i want. i know i am such a disappointment to everyone who is near me. even him. but guess, giving up isn't the solution. i'm just tired. saying things like this "i'm tired" has always been me everytime i post something in here, most of the time. well that explained how tired i am actually. nobody can ever see that. there are those times i feel like being alone, sucks sometimes but you see, being alone, you're away from shit that happens. and that's the reason i'm being heartless sometimes, without realizing that. because this heart, too much of heartbreak. this heart, can't accommodate more pain.

i'm afraid if what i'm having now, end soon. i don't want to be replaced once again. i don't want to lose someone i love once again. i don't want to get hurt like i used to before once again. i don't want to be lied to once again. easy said, i don't want the same thing happened to me, it happens again. oh gosh, have you ever gone through those moment when you're typing or saying something and you cry? this is what i feel now. pathetic life i have sometimes. too afraid of everything.

assalamualaikum. 

MORE TO GREAT

life has been great this past few days. but there's still times where life messed me up. and most of the time, i don't know what has got into me that i just feel like life is a mess. you know there're a lot of happy things happen to me now. for sure that comes from all those moments i've been waiting for. like giving someone a chance to enter my life for the last time, one of it. now i believe that, all this time i was being too patient waiting for good things to come and i finally got it. but i ain't sure if this is going to stay. i'm hoping for things that happen now to stay. but i know i shouldn't get my hopes high that in the end, every single thing isn't worth. i'm tired. i'm tired of things happened in the past. i'm tired of those who treated me like i wasn't good enough for them. putting me into shits that i've been trying to avoid, i'm just tired. i don't wanna feel the same thing over and over again, being lied to, lied to someone, crying all night in bed. i've had enough.

so this heart of mine, he has been there for me since two months ago (almost to three) and i'm glad he's just mine. he never left till today. he tried to know me well though he knows i'm that complicated to be with. i'm such a burden, i'm just so hard to be with. but he took the challenge, willing to take the risk to be with me. to be honest, sometimes i feel like he's mine but there's still a time i feel like he's someone's (for some particular reasons) that is just a part of my negative thoughts. no matter how much i try to stop this negative thoughts of mine, i know deep inside i would still think of it. i just hope he's gonna stay for real. i just hope he's real. i just want things to be better in me, in us. i just hope we'll get through everything together unlike what happened in the past.

thanks for all the good things that happened and thanks for all the bad things too that makes me stronger than i was before.

"are you still not over him?"

people been asking me this "are you still not over him?" even most of the times, i asked my self the same question. and i'm proud to say this, not even a single day i think about being weak. all i ever wanted was being strong, happy like the others. do you know how hurt it is to see the real smile of others? and i was wondering, when will i ever get the happiness like the others. i knew it takes time. even for how long, i knew time does heal the pain in me. because here i am, i'm proud to say i am no longer the girl who used to cry all night for such stupid things and been wasting my valuable tears for those who doesn't even worth it. i am no longer the girl who's in misery, thinking about the guy that made her suffer till the end of the day. i am no longer the girl who would fcking cry and cry and cry when looking at all the old pictures, old conversations.

and this girl, she's enjoying her life better than before. i am too aware of everything now that i even wanted my self to distance from people out there. but there's this one boy, changed her. he made her feel that she needs someone in her life. till she think that she should let the boy to enter her life one last time, only one last time, one last chance. cause she's too tired of everything around her but she couldn't stop her heart from falling into this boy that he made her feel so special. no no, too special. but apart of it, i am still me that won't ever believe someone that easy anymore. i take things easy. as easy as i won't get my self into the world of pain anymore. i've learned so much. i do not want to hurt others or being hurt by others. i need to keep this in me till forever. cause obviously, i have learned so many things through my past. but whatever it is, people change, memories gonna stay.

Worth it

the one who is worth my tears. the one who is worth my time. the one who is worth my effort. the one who is worth my everything. just every single thing i'm gonna give, it's worth it. i am currently having a big issues with my own feelings which i think i'm falling into someone but i guess it's just too early that i don't have to be rush on it cause you know, good things will come with a right time soon. but deep inside me, i still do keep my feelings towards the one i called 'EX' and it still hurts. though three months had passed, but i guess i still need more time to completely forget about the past. too much memories really hard to forget. and keep telling myself over and over again, move on.

Tried but failed

i've been trying so hard, i've been trying my best to move on and yes i did a little bit. i'm moving on with myself not with anyone else but with myself. i try to be happy with the things i do even when i'm studying. but there is always that one moment where i started to think about everything back and i felt so weak. so weak until i couldn't even remember who i was before this shits happened. i used to be the one with a big smile, i laughed a lot. right now, i can see that all that is just a part of my 'acting'. i act i'm all fine in front of people because i do not want them to see the 'pathetic' part of me. and i'm asking myself? is this worth for me? acting? pretending? well that's the only way to be happy, to move on. i keep everything inside me. can you imagine of keeping every single thing inside you? boleh jadi gila kan? but that's what i'm doing now. whatever happened to me, the fights, the tears, the conversations, whatever just whatever happened, i can only keep it inside me. i swear you don't wanna see the inside part of me. you will probably faint maybe because it's just too much. i don't have anyone to share my feelings with and even if i do, they won't even understand any or and maybe the only word that comes out from them is "stupid". call me stupid but i swear that won't make me realize how much i've been suffering all this while.

You know who you are

so i found this while scrolling my timeline in facebook. and fyi, this is our very first conversation and this is also how we started to know each other. he knew i was depressed on that time because knowing that my ex cheated on me, so he came and lighted up my world. well, we've been through a lot of things together since i was in form 4. which means, we have been through a lot of things together for 2 years. though it wasn't that long cause i have once been in a relationship for 4 years but oh well, there were a lot of things to remember. how funny that i still remember our first date which the day where i met his sister and him with his tongkat. and the first movie we watched was step up 3D. he came to kl all way long form his place just to see me. couldn't explain how happy i was during that time. we met in facebook, we knew each other in facebook. i never met him before and people were like "you knew him in facebook and you guys never seen each other in real life before and you trust him?" my friends were like this and that when they knew i was going to accept him in my life. the best part was, he never confessed anything to me and with a surprise, he called and asked to be apart of his life. how stupid but cute. so that is how we started our relationship. 

we've planned for the future. we gave the name for our future child (which all the name will have a combination of our names) we promised to go through everything together. and he even knew i would do something bad to myself so for 2 years we've been through together, he tried so hard not to hurt me, not to make me stress. all those fights we had, it was from me. ada je something that i didn't like about him. but seriously, he had a very low ego. it was always him who said sorry. he didn't even talk to any girls just wanted me to know he wasn't like my ex. seriously, he was the type of guy you would never regret being with cause he was just too nice. though he also had his own weaknesses but i can say here that you wouldn't mind with all his weaknesses because it wasn't that serious. 

we once been through the hardship of finding work together. we went here and there, walked all over the kl just to find a job cause we were jobless during that time and we realized that we need money. so we took all the risks looking for a vacancy anywhere in kl. 

mama always told me that he was such a nice guy. though knowing that i lied a lot once just because of him, i told her i went to work but i actually went out with him, i told her i sleptover at my manager's house but i actually went for a holiday with him, i told her i went out with my friends near kl but i actually went to genting with him and behind all that, mama knew but she didn't even try to scold me cause she trusted him. and that's also the reason why she didn't mind of me working together with him in kl (which quite far from my house). 

mama : are you happy that you have lost him now? (the question she asked me yesterday) 

now, i can only keep all the memories of us. i admit, i still do have feelings towards him though it's not that much cause someone has took away my feelings more than he does but, i will never forget him. he was once the best part of me. though i have lost him now but he will always be apart of my memory. 

he's having his new life now with a new girl and i'm glad to know that he's happy. if i had a chance, i wouldn't let him to give me hope like i should have wait for him cause i realize that it was all bullshit. i hope that the new girl will take a good care of him and won't ever hurt him like i did cause he was too nice. he might be missing his attention to you but he will never forget about you, that is just him. no matter how mad he is, he will never try to raise his voice to you apatah lagi to touch you, he will never, that is just him. just please, take a good care of him cause he was the one who brighten up the darkness of my life with lights before. 

The tears ..

you know the tears, the tears you've been falling for someone you loved the most. and it's like you were wondering if the tears were worth it or you've wasted it for someone isn't worth your tears at all. you know the tears, the tears that explains every single thing how you feel. it's like you're speechless and all you want to do is to cry. not to tell the whole world how you feel but to let go everything inside you. you know the tears, the tears you waste it every night cause it really hurt you inside and you can't sleep but thinking of all the memories you had before. you know the tears, the tears you thought would bring him back to you but all you get is nothing but broken heart. you know the tears, the tears that makes you feel you're the dumbest person ever in the whole wide world because you regret for every mistake you've done. you know the tears, the tears that won't give you anything but pain. you know the tears, the tears that brings you back to the memories and then you smile while your tears are falling. you know the tears, the tears when you see him with another person and it's killing you inside because you hope the person is you. you know the tears, the tears full of hope. hoping that things won't change. you know the tears, the tears of happiness to see him happy but inside you're dying. you know the tears, the tears of you missing someone so badly until you just feel like crying the whole day and night cause you miss the moment so much. you know the tears, the tears when you're at the place that reminds you of every single thing with him, when you're listening to the songs that reminds you of him. you know the tears, the tears that makes you feel stronger somehow. and you tell yourself to wake up because more good things are waiting. but you're too weak. so you keep on crying and waiting for the time to come. and after that, you know you probably won't think about him even for a second because he is just not worth any of your time.