deep inside me

you know what hurts the most? being replaced by someone you thought would never replace you with anyone else. those days where i was in that situation, nothing hurts me more than this. and nothing could ever explain exactly what i feel, just nothing. even i don't get myself sometimes. i don't know what actually makes me happy. the fact that i have my friends back even they're not the same anymore, i have my love back that i thought i would never have it, but still, deep inside, i am still looking for something. happiness isn't fully there with me. when will i ever get it back? the truth is, the past still hurts me. and i have no idea when will it stop to haunt my life. my life is full of regrets. i wonder if time machine does exist, i would probably change every single thing i've done before and enjoying my moment being with someone who put me into their first priority. and i feel like i'm useless right now, worthless. pathetic. everything i do now, seems to be wrong. no matter how hard i try to make someone happy, i am still me can't even get what i want. i know i am such a disappointment to everyone who is near me. even him. but guess, giving up isn't the solution. i'm just tired. saying things like this "i'm tired" has always been me everytime i post something in here, most of the time. well that explained how tired i am actually. nobody can ever see that. there are those times i feel like being alone, sucks sometimes but you see, being alone, you're away from shit that happens. and that's the reason i'm being heartless sometimes, without realizing that. because this heart, too much of heartbreak. this heart, can't accommodate more pain.

i'm afraid if what i'm having now, end soon. i don't want to be replaced once again. i don't want to lose someone i love once again. i don't want to get hurt like i used to before once again. i don't want to be lied to once again. easy said, i don't want the same thing happened to me, it happens again. oh gosh, have you ever gone through those moment when you're typing or saying something and you cry? this is what i feel now. pathetic life i have sometimes. too afraid of everything.

assalamualaikum.