just when i thought im about to feel the happiness i once lost, then here i am again, in depression like i was before. maybe even worse. im so weak. but one thing, i am so good at pretending now. even better than before. how can the same thing happen to me? the same shit keeps happening and i dont know what i did wrong to deserve all of those shits. i did not disturb anyone or making other people's life suffer. im the one who is suffering right now. cant you see? i dont know what i want, i dont know what i feel. its like im gone, im gone to another world.
i was going to give my whole heart for him and this is what i get in the end? i took a very long time to move on to forget the past because he came but now that he left, im tired already. all of my efforts, i realized that it was all useless. i should have just stay with my words that there'll be no more love who's gonna come into me but i failed. he came, he made me feel so special that i would love to give myself another chance to feel the love again, but this is what happened. ya Allah it hurts a lot. and i can still feel the pain every time when i look at old pictures, old conversations. its like your heart is being cut up to pieces and thrown in the trash. it hurts a lot, emotionally and physically.
and how i wish things could turn to how it was before. because i swear, i wanna make things better. but.. i know there's nothing else i can do. its just, i just need to be strong. knowing that things wont ever be the same, like you know, the one you used to talk to everyday, you meet everyday, now its all gone. that he left you alone. i gotta be strong. no matter what happens. though i dont know when will i ever going to fully forget him and accept things that happened, but i know, someday i will. there's no point of hoping or wishing when you are not even needed in his life. when he doesn't even want you to be in his life. pointless. but yet, i still care, i still love and i know i always will.
they told me once, "you'll get a better guy soon" aha, then here i am again, same shit different time. so dont tell me better guy will come soon because honestly, i dont wanna trust that shit ever again.
i've wasted my night crying for the same thing, over and over again. i dont know what should i do im just, not strong enough.